“Control and magic can’t coexist simultaneously.”
This truth came through in a client session last week (followed by the directive for my client to “stop cockblocking The Universe by trying to control everything!”—and yes, we both LOLed at that one).
Of course if you think about it for a minute it makes perfect sense, but how often do you consider, when trying to control all the things in your life, that doing so is actually preventing The Universe (or God, Spirit, The Divine, whatever you want to call it—it’s all the same thing!) from showing up to support you?
We think we know what’s best for us, what will make us happy, what will allow us to feel okay. And in many cases we do, but that doesn’t mean we have to control every aspect of our lives.
When we hold on to things too tightly, we leave no space for Spirit to show up and support us.
We may know what we want, but even when we dream big we’re often limited by our perceptions and beliefs. What if what you think you want is really just the tip of the iceberg of what you could have? Wouldn’t you want to stay open and leave a little room for that even more amazing reality to manifest? When we control, we aren’t leaving that space.
When we control, we aren’t allowing ourselves to be supported, to co-create, or to experience magic and miracles.
Why We Control
Our impulse to control comes from a need to feel safe. When we don’t feel supported, when we don’t trust life, when we don’t trust ourselves—we tend to try to control things so that we’ll be okay. This tendency is something we learn very young and perpetuate throughout our lives because it can be an effective survival strategy.
Notice I said survival…but would you rather survive or thrive?
We control for all sorts of reasons but they all boil down to an attempt to safeguard ourselves from emotional pain in all its many forms (disappointment, rejection, etc.).
If you’re a highly sensitive person and found the world overwhelming as a child, you probably learned to control your environment to make it easier to handle.
If you’ve suffered trauma or loss, particularly when you were young, you most likely internalized the belief that you’re not supported and you can’t trust life (or God/The Universe/Spirit/etc.).
If you were a very expressive child and your caretakers often told you that you were “too much” you probably learned to control yourself to be more palatable and therefore receive love and acceptance.
If you don’t have the skills to handle your feelings, you’ve likely learned to try to control situations and people as much as possible to avoid having to deal with painful feelings like disappointment.
These are just a few examples, but there are infinite reasons why and how we learn to be controlling.
The good news is that we can unlearn this behavior too!
How to be Less Controlling
Start by noticing when you’re controlling, or trying to control something, and instead of judging yourself (“ughhhh, I’m doing it again!”) find some compassion for yourself. At one point you learned to control because it worked—it helped you survive.
And if you want to move beyond just surviving and start thriving, the strategy of controlling is one that you’re going to need to let go of. That shift won’t likely happen overnight, but it starts with noticing when you’re controlling and then treating yourself with compassion.
Next, recognize that when you’re trying to control something there’s a part of you that feels afraid or threatened. Ask yourself what you’re afraid of? What’s the worst thing that could happen? Do you trust yourself to be okay if that worst case scenario came to pass? What if there’s an even bigger and better plan for you that can’t even conceive of? Do you want to leave some room for that to show up for you?
Lastly, when you notice that you’re trying to control, find another, more helpful way to soothe your nervous system. If you’re using the survival strategy of controlling, your nervous system is triggered and you’re likely in a sympathetic state (aka fight/flight/freeze).
Here are some ways to soothe your nervous system so that you can get out of fight or flight (or freeze) and reduce your tendency to control:
- Deep breathing
- Practice Breathwork
- Get outside! (Even better if you can put your bare feet on the earth)
- Call or visit with a trusted friend
- Snuggle your pet(s)
- Creative expression (dancing, painting, singing, doodling, etc.)
- Move your body (dancing, walking, even something like jumping jacks can help release nervous energy)
Next Steps
If you really want to show up differently in your life and leave some space for magic, commit to releasing control.
This doesn’t mean you can’t take action in your life, it just means that you need to focus your energy on staying in your power and alignment. This means, to some extent, detaching yourself from outcomes, external circumstances, and other people’s perceptions. Yeah, that can be challenging, but it’s a practice (like all things in life) and you don’t have to be perfect at it.
Start with the steps above, and you’ll see how quickly things will shift with consistency. You’ll learn a ton about yourself (which will hopefully pave the way for more self-compassion!) and start to feel so much more empowered because you’ll be managing yourself better. You’ll also likely notice your overall stress level decreasing as you begin to let go of control.
And when you have those moments when you feel like it’s just so damn hard to stop controlling everything (or trying to!), take a breath and remind yourself that you’re simply practicing creating some space for the magic to enter your life!
